Written in 2016 at HMP Highpoint, I dug this poem up today because of a Twitter conversation about taxation and its avoidance. It’s still fairly amusing to discover that some people claim to dislike tax avoidance although they don’t mind offsetting their mortgage interest against their earnings. What really prompted this resurrection, however, is the government announcing with glee the creation of 10000 new prison places. I would have been delighted had the annoiuncement been coupled with a stated desire to reduce overcrowding in our existing rat-infested, dilapidated, putrid prison estate. But no! This expansion is to accommodate the post-election surge in crime which the government has yet to create. Not satisfied with incarcerating the poor buggers who can’t pay council taxes or are a nuisance because they are homeless, we are now going to put more people away for longer just to prove we are “tough on crime”. Let me finish by emphasizing that the way to deter criminals is to convince them that they will be caught, not the manner by which they will be punished!
Ministry of No-collar Crimes
Amongst grey-grim buildings, in a non-descript town
In some dingy room, behind a bureaucrat’s frown
Exists a mind that invests its time
Creating the latest no-collar crime
Justice conflated with a desire for revenge
Morality worthy of a priest at Stonehenge
Conspiring with others, the known or unknown
The seeds of illegality, by him, are sown
He sees most private wealth as criminal proceeds
And any feeling of fairness finally recedes
Into the depths of democracy’s dreary demise
Confiscation of assets his ultimate prize
A dismal dystopia discovered
Where irrational ideas are recovered
Enough of them placed in his wailing wall
To ensure criminality concerns us all
Even the desire to pay less tax
Is subject to feverish, frontal attacks
Those purely pursuing a personal gain
Are treated by him as criminally insane
As is the desire in life to succeed
For him, a sign of excessive greed
As the average person, just seeking to achieve
Demonstrates a dubious desire to deceive
But there are exceptions to the rule
Some celebrities make this sad man drool
For these untouchables in the electorate’s mind
Must be treated as if of a different kind
Accusations against them, unless just salacious
Must be dealt with in a manner greatly more gracious
Their earnings are by the people accepted
Celebrity makes their talents respected
To some they play a model role
Even for those who are on the dole
Just as gamblers assume they will always win
So, aspiring to celebrity can be no sin
But pity those other poor unsung heroes
Whose taxes are reduced to a string of zeros
Though they pay no tax, they cannot be accused
Of having their magnificent system abused
And where are those white collars of yesteryear?
Thrown into the waste-bin of abject fear
No need for neckties in this brave new world
As, by our desks, our nation’s flag is unfurled
Down with those unpatriotic suits
Off with those old-fashioned Chelsea boots
We can no longer dress as it would us please
We have to dress down, trousers round our knees
Let’s avoid being labelled as ‘suits’ or white collars’
Such that people might think we make millions of dollars
Lest the man in that dingy, dystopian room
Finds a way to send us all to our doom